Monster you made me
by Chase Mihael Keehl
Summary: Matt reflects on who he has become and what put him there. Why was he the man he was? Where was this all going and why had it been the way that it was? Rated M for the ending.


**A/N I know….I know…I should be working on my crossover or Paranormal, but this needed to come out. I found this song on youtube and it stirred some deep emotions. I know this is going to get me shit from my sister, but I don't care. I felt better after I wrote this and it needed to happen. This story is me pouring the last of the part of my heart that my ex still holds on to. Once this is gone I hope I can heal and give my heart to someone far more deserving. Thanks for reading.**

**Song: Monster you made me by Pop Evil**

Matt sat in front of the computer monitors that he has grown ever so accustom to. The glow in the dark made his face an eerie blue. Mello would be home any minute and the redhead would enter his typical routine.

The blonde had been his best friend all his life, but had been his lover for the last handful of years. Matt leaned back in the chair, hands clasped behind his head.

"Why do I love you, Mello?" He asked no one.

His eyes closed behind his goggles and he sighed, "I don't…."

Growing up at Wammy's had been a mild nightmare. Eat or be eaten… If you fell behind on the radar you ran the risk of being relocated to a lesser home. You would cast out like garbage. If you had any chance of becoming L you were spared.

In the beginning Matt met Mello and the two shared a room. Immediately Matt knew the boy only a couple months older than himself was destined for greatness. He also knew his roommate didn't take well to losing. Matt didn't particularly care about becoming L but before coming there he never had a friend. One day he agreed to assist Mello with a dirty prank against an albino boy and they became friends.

Matt grew attached to the only person to ever show him kindness or affection of any level. When they reached puberty hormones took over and they fooled around. Again the affection and love from the blonde pushed him into the relationship deeper and deeper.

It was now, in this dark apartment that he realized it wasn't Mello he loved, it was the love Mello had for him that he loved. Why now? Why at this moment?

_Take a good look at me now_

_Do you still recognize me_

_Am I so different inside_

_This world is trying to change me_

_And I admit I don't want to change with it_

_And I admit I can't go on like this anymore_

In the last few months the redhead had been fucking up on things. Mello caught him playing games when he should have been watching monitors or the time he was too busy with porn to notice Misa had left the building. Mello chewed his ass for that.

Matt didn't want to be anywhere other than Mello's side…right? Again the goggled man sighed and reached for his smokes. The hiss of burning paper made his mind race.

"Why…Mello why did you make me into the person I am? All this time you groomed me to be your lackey and I was so enthralled in the emotions that I never noticed."

_Erase this monster I've become_

_Forgive me for all the damage done_

_It's not over_

_Say it's not over_

_I'm begging for mercy _

_I'm only the monster you made me_

Pale hands pulled the cigarette from his lips, letting out a prolonged breath, "I hate what I do. I hate that I do it all for you. I never once live for myself. Fuck, do I even know who I am?"

_I'm better alone now_

_See I'm torn from my mistakes_

_And I stop believing that I could ever make things change_

_How much can I take_

_When I know that it hurts you_

_How long can I wait_

_When I can't go on like this anymore_

Many times Matt had begged Mello to give up on Kira and allow themselves to have normal lives. Mello always stood fast and said he had to prove who Kira was and be better than Near. He had to make his point. He had to be the best and in turn Matt would be at his side. Matt didn't care who Kira was or what the bastard was doing. He hated the long hours of scouring through files and records and video to answer questions he didn't want the answers to.

There had been times he hid things from Mello so it would just end. He hoped in the scent went cold Mello would give up and let him be normal.

"I've held you back from your own success because I couldn't take the fucking pressure. I can't be what you wanted me to be. Mello, fuck….I can't be this anymore. I can't be the monster I've become. Just to find an end to the bullshit I've become a liar and a monster."

_Erase this monster I've become_

_Forgive me for all the damage done_

_It's not over_

_Say it's not over_

_I'm begging for mercy_

_I'm only the monster you made me_

_Because who I am_

_Isn't who I used to be_

_And I'm not invincible_

_I'm not indestructible_

_I'm only human_

_Can't you see_

_The beauty in me_

Mello had pushed Matt to his breaking point. He wanted Matt to do better, be better at everything and he just couldn't. Maybe if he cared at all about the case or the world he could. Maybe if he truly cared about anything he could be better. Then it hit him harder…

"I really don't love Mello…I love the idea of him. The successful, powerful, and strong man he has become and the determination that radiates from him. Oh, God… I don't love him for him. I hate him for what he has made me…"

_Take a good look at me now_

_Can't you see I've changed_

_Erase this monster I've become_

_Forgive me for all the damage done_

_It's not over_

_Say it's not over_

_I'm begging for mercy_

_I'm only the monster you made me_

What could he do now? How would he tell Mello he was going to leave?

"I can't do this, Mello. I can't live up to these expectations anymore. You've pushed me so far and the edge is at my toes. I have failed you time and time again because I just don't care…I'm sorry."

_Far away through the pain_

_I hear the angels calling_

_Dar away through the pain _

_I see my demons falling_

_Far away through the pain_

_I hear the angels calling_

_Dar away through the pain _

_I see my demons falling_

Mello put the key into the lock of the front door. As he turned the knob a loud bang shot from inside. He flung the door open and watched the pistol hit the floor. Blood poured from the gorey mess that was his lover's head. Blue eyes were wide, tears threatening at the edges. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

"Matty? W-why?"

_Erase this_

_Erase this_

_Erase this monster you made me_

**A/N Sometimes people do things that just don't make sense. When you encourage someone to be the best they can be and they don't want to or care to then the pressure can lead them astray. I have a bad habit of seeing a person's potential and pushing them willing or not to that point. It tends to end badly for me. I listened to this song a few times and realized that I spend so much time pushing other people to reach their potential that my own has faded.**

**Maybe it is true what they say…Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps she was put in my life to show me my flaw and when it came to fruition she left to open my eyes. My heart is healing, her name carved into the tender muscles begins to scar over and leave room for a new name.**

**I hope I have learned my lesson.**

**Thank you**


End file.
